I'm calling it right now,
Fateful Findings is going to win SIFF 2013. Regardless of category; best dialog, plot, love story, computer hacking -
this film takes the experience to eleven. Admittedly, for some that might be to
negative eleven. But in the bad movie olympics,
Fateful Findings sticks the landing to take the gold, silver
and bronze.
A hell of a lot of fun to watch by myself, I cannot believe it won't be
10 times more enjoyable at its world premiere midnight screening. I
seriously cannot wait for the equally improbable sequel. Take a
gander at the trailer - if you're intrigued, RUN to buy a ticket. In a just universe, they'll sell out.
On one hand
Fateful Findings is
an absolute masterpiece of "can't look away" dysfunction,
for which the phrase "hot mess" seems too complimentary. On the other
hand, the bizarre and often unexplained vision makes it hugely
entertaining - in ways many other bad films such as
The Room don't approach. One doesn't need
to throw spoons at the screen to enjoy
Fateful Findings. Though I suppose a few cocktails or bit of other now legal in Washington substances couldn't hurt.
Troll 2, you've now got some serious competition.
The film's poster trumpets it as "a dark mystical journey where
passions collide with technology on the edge of life as we know it."
Certainly a fair description. Things open with a creepily beautiful time
lapse shot of an office building as clouds stream by on a sunny day.
The camera cuts quickly to a long, creepy shot of storage lockers.
Jumping next to two children walking innocently through a forest. Not
even two minutes in, they pass an animated ram's skull that gives the
Chaos Reigns fox from
Antichrist a run for it's no particular reason appearance money. Without noticing, they continue on their way to discover an
enchanted treasure hidden under a disappearing mushroom (seriously). It's "a magical day", the young girl
writes in her notebook, while the young boy pockets a smooth black cube.
They're in love, but perhaps doomed to be apart for many years, as
shortly after returning home her family moves away from his. And the
stage is set ...
Later in life, a violent accident brings the couple back together.
Things have grown considerably more complicated by then. He's living
with
a drug-addicted girlfriend who loves to pop pills and wash the same dish over and over again.
He's also somehow been negatively impacted by that black cube. Clearly
aging at twice the rate of the girl he once knew, appearing at least 15
years older than her by the time they meet again. Along the way, he's
gained amazingly
cheesily-rendered paranormal powers and some super lame best friends. A lot of crazy shit goes down - but I've already revealed too much.
The trailer for the film hints at the significant issues with the
writing and acting. In reality, it barely scratches the surface at how
off it all is -
it's truly terrible. Complexities of plot build on themselves so quickly that
it's hard not to imagine there's a 17 hours director's cut somewhere that more clearly explains things. This isn't like
The Room, where
things are completely out of left field. It's more that the paranormal
activity aspects of it are largely peripheral to the relationship and
the incomprehensible
We Steal Secrets shades
of plot. The most mystifying things aren't that he can walk through
walls or who the unnamed black clothed spectral people who materialize
at will are. What troubled me far more are things like ..
- Who takes a shower with their lover who has just returned from the
hospital with bloody streaming head wound and doesn't even ask about the
incompetence of whoever put the bandage in place? Or I don't know ...
why she has a gaping head wound?
-
What does Neil Breen's character have against laptop computers?
In every office scene he's got around 5 different laptops which he
consistently physically abuses. Thrown across the desk, pelted with
books, and dumped on the floor -- there's clearly some deep seated
aggression at work here.
- The budget for
Fateful Findings appears pretty significant.
For such an over-the-top production you'd think wardrobe could afford a
bra for at least one of the women who appears onscreen?
{Ed. note: you're complaining about THIS? Wow. It must be really, really bad. ~Imaginary Amie}
-
If you're going to have nudity, why my Lord,
why is it entirely limited to Neil Breen's ass? Is that some sort of tribute to
Tommy Wiseau?
In all fairness though, the issue with the laptops may actually be
explained. Breen's character earns his living as a novelist but is
clearly torn about it, preferring to spend his time hacking into
corporate and government databases to unearth incriminating proof of
corruption and malfeasance. The horror of becoming a writer tortures the
man, leading to the
best line in the film (which cannot be done justice with the written word),
"I have a damn masters degree in computer science ... And I turn out to be a writer ... Of novels!"
Perhaps most impressive is how he's achieved fortune as a writer and
skills as a software guy without learning how to type. Or actually know
how turn the computers on, from what I can tell.
Hacked secrets have a way of bringing out problems - and that truism does not get an exception in
Fateful Findings. Breen
is plenty busy fending off the hot daughter of his friends, dealing
with a failing relationship, recovering from a coma, and engaging in new
(oddly PG) rated affairs. During all this soap-opera drama, things
start to get real. All I'll say about that is that
if the government ever decides to go after me I'll hope to suddenly develop the same mad skills as Breen.
Also, that government goons sent after my loved ones helpfully drop the
coordinates as to where they're taking their kidnap victims where I can
finding it. Yes ... that happens ...
Fateful Findings is a true one man show. Neil Breen is the
writer, director, producer, editor, production designer, and male lead
of the picture. I'm assuming if asked
he might also remark that he's also a writer, a doctor, a nuclear physicist and a theoretical philosopher. One can call a film
so bad it's good
- but to be fair if it's good, then it's good. It matters not at all
how it got that way. To me, it's the same as making a big deal about how
much money was spent on a picture. I still only pay $11 - so that
someone is taking a $200M bath isn't for me to judge. If I like it,
my money was well spent.
I'm confident fans of non-normative film making will get their money's worth with Fateful Findings. You'll
want to be there when it plays SIFF as it's unclear when the
opportunity to see this masterwork will present itself again.
